Thursday, 1 October 2015

Very proud of myself

So I'm ill

I'm never usually ill - I hardly ever get colds, at most, twice a year but usually just once. I think I managed to catch it from the two 'TOWIE' women I was sitting behind in the plane that took us back from Cancun to Gatwick on Saturday night. They sounded pretty husky and ill and I remember thinking 'I hope I don't catch it'... well, unfortunately I did and on Tuesday night I just couldn't sleep as my throat was so sore. Usually I'd drug myself up instantly - Ibruprofen, lemsip, the works, however being pregnant you're not supposed to just knock pills back, so I ended up being awake for most of the night, getting very upset and feeling powerless to do anything about it.

Come 4:30am, I decided to work from home yesterday, even though I was supposed to be in the office. I hate changing things or making it appear that I'm being lazy, however when I tried to talk, I realised I had totally lost my voice so all of the conference calls were proof enough that I was ill as people said I sounded pretty bad! It was definitely the right decision as I felt really, really tired  by lunch time so actually used my lunch hour to have a nap - something I never usually do. I managed to cope all day with drinking honey and lemon which was actually really nice and helpful on my throat. 

Breakfast was my malt loaf bar with a banana for a snack at 11:00am. Lunch yesterday (and today, in fact) was scrambled eggs on toast again. I don't think I've ever had scrambled eggs 3 days in a row, however it's now used up all 6 eggs and I can chuck the box away and I have rather enjoyed it for the last 3 days :-) 

I was umming and ahhing about seeing my Drama friend yesterday, however decided to just go - I dislike cancelling on people and wanted to catch up with her as I've not seen her for a while. It was nice and as usual, she has lots of drama in life. The main one being that her cleaning company have effectively 'sacked her'. She hired a cleaner, then complained that it wasn't good enough, so they got her another one - which she complained about again and they changed the cleaner.... and then she complained about THAT cleaner.. and.. yeah, well.. After the 3rd time the company said that they didn't believe they could meet her requirements and that was that. 

We had dinner in Wagamamas and I decided on a Beef Massaman Curry which apparently contains 'marinated beef with sweet potatoes, shiitake mushrooms and baby aubergine in a mild, fragrant massaman curry sauce. served with a side of steamed rice'. It was really yummy and washed down with a small ginger beer, we spent a happy 1.5 hours catching up with stuff. 

After heading home I then phoned another friend - this is the friend who's having an affair with a married guy. Turns out they're not getting on as well as before and when pressed, he admitted he may not be able to leave his Wife next June - surprise, surprise. My friend is amazing, really amazing, she deserves so much more than this, however she refuses to leave him as apparently she loves him so much. I don't know why, however I felt I could tell her about me being pregnant and despite her being a 100% committed child free person, she was so supportive. She basically suggested 'good things' and 'bad things' about having kids and when I said I just couldn't see any good points about having kids, she listed loads off, 'Playing with them, hearing them say they love you, helping them learn about the world' - And this is a woman who is not going to have children!

Then she said 'Of course, there will be days when you want them to shut the fuck up and want to chuck them out the window and probably wish them dead' - That sounds so taboo, doesn't it? But I actually identified with that, just the sheer desperation you must feel at times.... It was really good to talk to her and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt positive about the future and managed to have a bath and get sleep last night.

This morning I felt so much better - despite Thursday being my normal 'Work at home' day, I had to get up early as I had my filling appointment at the dentist. Being terrified of injections, I can't say I was looking forward to today at all, however I was surprisingly calm about the whole thing as I was driving there. 9:15 and the dentists says hello to me and we talk about the fact I've lost my voice.... and then she starts putting numbing cream (that tastes like bubble gum) on my gum. Then the injection.... It wasn't pleasant, I did cry a bit, however the numbing cream helped a LOT and when she realised I was shaking and crying, she stopped, let it take affect and then gave me another one - however the fact she'd already given me some, meant I didn't feel it. I'll be totally honest - I could do it again, it wasn't pleasant, but it was really manageable and she was great.

The rest of the drilling, sucking etc was fine - I'm not scared of that at all and she managed to give me a while filling even though it was at the back of my mouth, which was cool :-) 

I am really proud of myself - I remember a few years ago, thinking about having fillings and getting so upset. Now I've done it, it's OK, having an injection was OK! This time next week, I'll have had 4 vials of blood taken in my midwifes appointment which I'm not overly keen on - However I'm going to try and keep calm and keep a similar mindset - I got through today, I can get through next week.

Interestingly, I feel absolutely fine and that's now making me panic - My boobs aren't as sore, my hormones have gone (e.g. I feel 'normal') and my stomach isn't cramping at all. I'm sure a lot of women feel like this, but I'm now thinking 'What if there's no heartbeat next Thursday?' after talking to my friend yesterday, I now think I'd be quite upset if there wasn't - Christ, I wish I could make my mind up. I guess I just have to wait and see.... Take one day at a time.

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