I'm glad today is nearly over!
Unfortunately I didn't sleep very well last night - My sisters flat is very near a main road and the traffic noise outside was really bad. I managed to nod off a few times, but seemed to wake every 1-2 hours which meant I was rather tired in the morning... As I'm cat sitting in my sisters flat I didn't have the usual 1.5 hour commute into London but a 30 minute tube ride instead. However, as it's a much busier tube line it wasn't an overly relaxing commute to work!
Despite bringing some Malt Loaf with me, I managed to totally forget it so I bought a yoghurt in the company canteen and ate that whilst putting together some last minute statistics my Boss asked me to do at very short notice. We've just moved desks at work due to a number of business areas changing so the first hour or was spent sorting things out and trying to find out when our desks would have power as we were relying on our laptop batteries holding up!
My mood has been pretty stable for the last few days, however today it took a bit of a turn for the worst. I post on an online forum (I imagine some people could hazard a guess as to which one) and have been posting regarding being pregnant and being totally honest about how I feel - the fact that I'm not 100% sure what I want to do, how I feel scared, unsure and how, on Thursday I'm going to have mixed feelings over my scan / what the midwife says. Now obviously, on an online forum, you accept that others have different opinions to you, however one person asked if it was really the right forum for me as I wasn't like the others and other people are so happy / anxious about their pregnancy progressing and I'm not.
I don't think the poster meant anything bad per se, however it made me feel really upset - I have been very grateful to strangers for offering support (and have tried to post on other threads to support people in return) and to suggest that it might not be the right place to post for support as I have different thoughts and feelings to the other women made me feel like a freak and I was trying to hold back tears as I was at work today.
Lunch was a salad from the canteen and I was trying to 'get over the feelings', when a random poster on the same thread sent me a private message saying she hoped I was OK, that she totally understood how I felt and how she thought it was good I was really thinking whether Motherhood was for me. A total random person who didn't need to make effort to do anything and she made time to send me a really lovely message. It really helped and made me feel less like a freak - I just want to be happy and excited but I can't be at the moment.
I keep thinking 'Yeah, I can do this MY way' but then I worry if I'm being naive and no matter what I say / want, I'll turn into a martyr who puts her children first, before anything, never wants to go out and buries her head in the sand as her relationship and career goes down the drain.... I know I'm asking a rhetorical question, but surely it's possible to have a life and children? surely?
As the afternoon progressed, so did my headache and a dull ache seemed to develop in the middle of my brain. 5pm arrived and I headed out of the door and straight to the nearest Boots so I could buy some earplugs and hopefully sleep better tonight. I also bought dinner in the Tescos Express next door so I could buy fish fingers and beans - Hardly the most glamorous of dinners, however I was really craving both beans and fish fingers and it turned out really well :-)
My Boyfriend texted me and told me he was getting my cold, which isn't good - I hope he feels better soon (thankfully I'm not coughing as much and my sore throat has gone, but it took long enough!). I don't mind cat sitting in my sisters flat, but I am feeling a bit lonely at the moment and I still have a lot of worry and anxiety in the back of my head in regards to being pregnant and what to do....
One day at a time, working from home tomorrow so I can hopefully have a great nights sleep! Things always feel less dire when you're not tired or feeling knackered.