I am like a yo-yo at the moment
The last two days haven't been too bad - I had a pretty good Monday at work and ate really healthy and today I was at an I.T. conference which I wasn't planning on going to, however my Boss had registered and then told me he was travelling and suggested I go. As I'm new, I could hardly say 'No thanks', however I have to be honest... it was pretty boring.
So... I'm still pregnant, my period still hasn't arrived (I don't know why, but when I go to the toilet, I keep thinking I'll see it soon) and my emotions are everywhere. I'm swinging between 'I can't do this, I just can't cope' to 'There's billions of women who have done it, as long as I get an elective caesarean I'll be OK, I just need to take one day at a time'. One thing that has been worrying me is that I'm off to Mexico on Thursday - I'll be 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant and I'm petrified that something is going to go wrong when I'm abroad. It's not Europe, so you can't exactly just get on a plane and hey presto, in 2 hours you'll be back home. What happens if the pregnancy is ectopic and my tube ruptures? What happens if I start bleeding? What happens if I eat something bad and fall ill?
Technically there's nothing stopping me - apart from fear. We've planned this trip for about 9 months - 5 days in Mexico City and then 4 days in Cancun. We've got loads of tours booked and I was really looking forward to chilling out and spending time with my Boyfriend, now all I have is fear, 'what happens if something goes wrong?' - which I can't get my head around as, well... I don't think I'm 100% decided about what I want to do.
THEN.... I was supposed to be going to my counselling appointment tonight. I've been going to see a counsellor over my needle-phobia for nearly a year and tonight she wasn't there, It really, really threw me. I thought that the buzzer wasn't working as she didn't answer so I buzzed another buzzer and some nice person let me in, however when I walked up the stairs and knocked on her door - she wasn't there. I was actually really thrown by it - first time in a year she wasn't there.. and she hadn't contacted me saying she couldn't see me.... I phoned my boyfriend in absolute floods of tears. I don't feel strong enough to get through the next 7.5 months without her....
HOWEVER - It's not all doom and gloom, at least, not in terms of healthy eating. Yesterday I had a really nice Greek yoghurt with some honey and a small amount of granola for breakfast (It was rather sweet, however as there was a lot of honey). Then for lunch, I just went to the Company canteen as was raining outside and I couldn't be bothered to go anywhere else. I think I chose quite well - lots of chicken, lots of chickpeas, some butter and kidney beans, some hummus and a boiled egg... I didn't fill the pot, but what I did eat (as I finished it), was very nice. I had a banana for a snack mid afternoon which was a good idea as I started feeling slightly queezy - I'm really hoping this isn't morning sickness :-S
And then dinner... The reason I didn't blog last night was because I was staying with two of my sisters in London. I went there straight after work and had a really lovely time catching up over a cup of tea. One of my sisters lives with her boyfriend in their flat, and the other sister moved in with them about a year ago after she split with her boyfriend and wanted to save some money to buy a flat.
As I was so emotional, I blurted out I was pregnant and they were just so lovely about it. Said they would support whatever decision I made, said there was no right / wrong way to feel and not feeling 'happy' and 'excited' about things doesn't make me an evil person.... They said they were looking forward to trying new things at Christmas like making non-alcoholic mulled wine and it wasn't an issue not eating soft cheese - I am so grateful to have such lovely and supportive sisters... It made me cry even more!
For dinner we went to a lovely Greek restaurant and I decided not to have a starter, but instead have a 'salmon stew' with a side order of spinach. Honestly, it was absolutely lovely, there was loads and loads of salmon and the spinach was amazing. I was really glad I didn't have a starter as I was utterly stuffed by the end of it. After a nice walk back to my sisters flat and more chatting, I slept on the futon in the living room (which was surprisingly comfy) and managed to get a decent nights sleep.
Breakfast this morning was ready made porridge with soy milk (my sister made it for me as she doesn't have normal milk in the house), with lunch being 3 small triangle sandwiches and a handful of crisps (the conference catering wasn't bad, but I didn't really feel like much) - I think I had a cheese and cucumber sandwich, a pastrami one and a chicken one. You know when you get 2 slices of bread and cut it into 4 triangles? Well, that's the size of each one.
Then the whole day went wrong... I left early to get a train back home to see my counsellor and she wasn't there, then I got very upset.... My Boyfriend was amazing as usual, suggested he go and get food to cook for us and I ended up crying at him whilst we had a really nice baked sweet potato, small can of beans with a couple of tablespoons of coleslaw - It was delicious.
Tomorrow is the second day of the conference and I should actually get a bit of a lie in which I'm looking forward to - I'm also looking forward to the fact that tomorrow is my last day at 'work' for a while, although I can't say I'm excited about going to Mexico at the moment. More - apprehensive. I think when I'm back and nothing has gone wrong I'll be really chuffed and can look forward to moving in with my boyfriend and hopefully sorting out my head.
So in a nutshell.... My healthy eating is going really well, which I think at the moment is very important for two reasons - one for my own mental health and of course, the other is for 'the thing' inside me at the moment. If I look back at what I was blogging a few months ago, I'd have never thought this would have happened.. however that's life and I know I'm very lucky to have so many supportive people in my life.