Staying positive is so hard at the moment - I feel so exposed
I had a lovely night with my Boyfriend last night. Dinner was mackerel and vegetables sent to me from my weekly Riverford vegetable box - Quite honestly, I can't say I was overly keen on the 'lightly smoked mackerel' from Marks and Spencers as it tasted an awful lot like a kipper and having kippers with vegetables is just, well, weird as they're a breakfast food, surely? I don't think I'll be doing that again, however it was certainly very healthy. After dinner we went for a quick drink at a local pub - It was lovely sitting out in the sun next to a river and watching all the ducks waddle around, looking for 'stray chips' that people fed them. We then headed back to mine - He's my rock at the moment as I was telling him how my appraisal went with my Boss and just burst into tears.
After another restless night, I got up early and headed into London for my interview or more correctly 'interviews' as I had 6 in one day - 4 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon. I arrived in plenty of time and the first two only lasted 30 minutes each. I thought, I was doing OK, that I had answered all the questions well and seemed to have developed a rapport with the people interviewing me. Unfortunately, after the first two, the HR guy came in and politely said that they didn't think I was technical enough so they were not going to continue the process. It was said in a really nice way and at the time I was all smiles and politeness as I shook his hand and headed out to the lift, however as I descended to the ground floor, I started feeling sick and shaky.
It was only 11:00am when I left, so I headed back to the tube and subsequently, the train station and grabbed some sushi for lunch before heading back home on the train. I phoned my boyfriend who was saying all the right things, however I still felt really rejected. I also had this really clear vision in my head of a door slamming shut, a metaphor, I assume, for the fact that I now have less options of how to leave my current company.
How does one cope with rejection? What are the best coping mechanisms? I guess if I'm honest, I'm not used to failure and it hurts - I've been really successful in academia, and my career to date. At the moment, it feels like I'm hated by everyone at work and thought to be incompetent and can't get another job as noone believes I'm any good.
On the other hand, I've passed various interviews, my successes at work are still successes and I wouldn't have been able to last 5 years in my current company unless I was good at what I do. I need to keep repeating this to myself and hold on a few more days until the next opportunity (next Wednesday I have a different face to face interview) presents itself to me.
I need to keep the following things in mind:
- Failure is a natural part of life, - Everyone, EVERYONE in the world fails at some time or another. It's not nice, but it's natural.
- It's my responsibility - That's not me beating myself up for it, but I failed at the interview because I didn't have the right skill set. But I do have a skill set, and a damn good one at that!
- Treat it as a learning experience - I got 3 face to face interviews as experience and I did a technical test (and did better than I thought!) This will hold me in better stead, next time
- This is only temporary - 'This too shall pass'. I'm feeling bad now, but in 1 month, 2 months down the line, I'll have a new job and won't feel upset.
I'm now sat at home, having eaten my lunch, the washing is on.. and I've got over 4 hours until I need to leave the house and see my friend, so I'm going to use the time wisely. I'll do some more job hunting... I'll clean out another cupboard of clothes and put the bins out and I'll write a shopping list for Saturday. I'll also eat one of the many Bakewell Tart nakd bars that were delivered to my house today - My vegan friend got me hooked on them but the Bakewell tart ones are selling out so fast in Sainsburys, the shelf is usually empty - so I decided to bulk buy and we're going to split a whole box of them tomorrow :-) They really taste like bakewell tart but are healthy and not baked (My friend refers to them as 'Vegan crack')
I need to keep going, take one day at a time and believe in myself. I am not a bad person and I don't deserve to be treated like crap at work.